Guest Spot: Z.B. Heller

Today we welcome Z.B. Heller to the blog.  She has a new release out so if you see banana shaped penises showing up on FB that would be the new release, SEX ED.   

Here’s a little teaser and excerpt for your enjoyment.   Keep on reading past to for some little fun by the entertaining Z.B.

 EXCERPT 

I opened the nightstand and found the toy I had ordered online. A guy I knew from one of the comic forums I belonged to swore by this toy. All right, maybe we talked about all types of things and not just comics on this particular forum. One time there might have been a discussion about which character we would bang and it sort of went off the cliff from there. My choice would be Superman because I have a dream of being plowed while flying at the same time. My second choice would be Spiderman, because I would be curious as to what he could do with all that webbing. Maybe a little Spidey BDSM play? 

The toy which sat in my hand was called the Jackhammer. The tag line on the construction-yellow box read, Giving You a Hand at Jacking Off. The man pictured on the box was wearing a hard hat with only the Jackhammer covering his essential parts. His face was contorted into orgasmic pleasure.

I opened the box and pulled out a plastic object that was about ten inches long. The toy was bright, school bus yellow, with one wide end that narrowed toward the bottom, giving it the illusion of a jackhammer. The fuller end was covered in a clear, soft silicone, with a hole in the middle, which I assumed is where your dick was supposed to go. I threw the box on the floor and lay down on my bed, propping a pillow under my head and making myself comfortable.

With vigorous excitement, I grabbed my stiff dick again and slipped the Jackhammer over the crown, slowly bringing it down the shaft. It felt comfortable and effortless as I wiggled it down until it hit the base. Inside of the toy, the ridges of the silicone made my already sensitive dick want to explode.

My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I pulled the toy painstakingly back up the shaft. I moaned and fisted my hand around the outside, so I could get a good grip on the toy to move it up and down. I looked down to see my shaft appear and then disappear again, the ridged edges inside rubbed against my skin, blessing me with exquisite pleasure.

I closed my eyes and brought myself back to the hypothetical frat house. Kaleb’s throbbing cock jutted out in front of me, waiting for me to take it into my watering mouth. The other brothers surrounded us, pulling out their own cocks to stroke while they looked upon us. Kaleb grabbed the base of his cock, clutched a handful of my hair and said, “Open up.” Of course, I did, because I wasn’t going to deny Fantasy Kaleb. I let him fuck my mouth as I took him all the way down my throat. In this make believe world I had no gag reflex and some pretty mad oral skills.

I pulled the Jackhammer faster along my length as I started to feel the familiar sensation of an orgasm settling at the base of my spine. My balls drew upward and I knew that I was going to blow my load any minute. I moved the toy faster, its suction tightening around me. 

Then it happened. Pain. A pain like none I had ever known, almost paralyzing my body. My eyes flew open and a shriek erupted out of my mouth like a coyote being attacked by a T-rex. I lifted my head, almost afraid to look down, and tried to move the toy slightly, but was unable to, pain searing from the tip of my dick, down the shaft, and into my groin. 

Holy mother-fucking douche mongers. 

My heart flipped from racing with pleasure to running in fear. I started to panic while I tried again to delicately remove the toy. After several failed attempts, I knew I was screwed. With precise, delicate movements, I sat up on the bed, reached to the floor, and grabbed the box the toy came in. I examined it and searched if there was a secret release to get this fucker off. I flipped the box over, scanning the words until I saw some directions I failed to read.

Must use lubricant inside silicone to avoid rupture.

Rupture of what? My dick? Holy shit, I had a ruptured dick! I don’t want to walk around having my dick split in half. What would that mean if I had to pee? Would it go into two different streams? Do people understand how hard it is to point and aim one stream? Now I’ll have two to worry about? What about sex? Will I stick one-half of my dick inside someone while jerking the other side off? Oh, the humanity!

Hello, everyone. I’m author Z.B. Heller, but you can call me Zolie, or Bertha, whatever fits your style. First, I would like to thank Aimee Nicole Walker for having me on her blog. I’m sure she’s likely going to regret it in the morning. I’m talking about the type of regret like when you have sex with that one, kinda ugly, guy because he’s friends with the guy you REALLY wanted to sleep with, and it just made you feel that much closer to the hot guy. That type of regret puts you into therapy.

I am the author of four (and a half) titles. The first two are M/F, The Chronicles of Moxie and First Comes Love. Next, we have the M/M, Tied Together, Tied in Knots (follow up novella) and my newest release Sex Ed.

When Aimee asked what I wanted to do for the blog, she suggested something like as a song playlist; I told her I wanted to do an interview. Oh, she said, like a character interview? Oh no, something way out in left field.

Therefore, I give you, the readers, an EXCLUSIVE interview with...myself. Confused? Let me explain. Everyone has different sides of themselves; we can never be the same person twenty-four hours a day. That would be as if we were robots. Wait, I take that back, even robots have different settings for personalities. Heck, even my vibrator has different personalities. The one I call Fernando is my favorite.

But I digress. The best way to get to know who I am as an author is to get to know all of my multiple personalities. They ALL play a role in who I am, how I come up with ideas and how I write. We have, 1. The O.C.D anal retentive named, Claire.  2. The constantly horny gay man named, Jason. 3. The mother of a ten-year-old genius, only called, Mom. 4. And finally the snarky personality, named Zuul (shout out to Ghostbusters fans).

Let the inquisition begin!

Question 1: What lead you to become an author?

Claire: Because I couldn’t find a job after the recession even though I put myself through a Bachelors degree in teaching and a Masters in art therapy. Do you know what a mess that was?? Do you know how hard I studied?

Jason: I like the D. I wanted to write everything about dicks. Size, shape, veins, how they get hard and how that makes people euphoric.

Zuul: Because it was a fuck ton better than working at Joann’s Fabric.

Mom: Zuul, the people who work there, are beautiful people who earn a living.

Question 2: What inspired you to go from writing M/F to M/M? Will you go back to M/F?

Claire: What do those letters mean? I need a dictionary. No one moves until I understand those letters. And get the crumbs off your shirts!

*Mom hands Claire a dictionary then kisses her on the top of her head and gives her a cookie*

Jason: Well, I figured I read enough about guys screwing, I exclusively watch gay porn, and it’s all about dicks. Dicks that are moving in asses, dicks going into someone's mouth…

Mom: Jason, I’m coming after you will soap for your mouth.

Jason: Is it in the shape of a dick?

Zuul: Because if life gives you lemons, you make a fucking margarita. That and I know it would just drive a stake into my Catholic mother-in-law’s heart.

Claire: Oh my God, she’s going to find out we said that.

Zuul: Aimee is a gay romance writer, the chances of her finding this is zero. Plus, she’s a church or something.

Question 3: What do you like to do in your spare time?

Claire: Study for my 2nd Masters degree, read, clean the house and make sure we are on time for things.

Zuul: Which we constantly never are, lying hypocrite.

Mom: Look through Pinterest pages to see how I can make really cute bento boxes for my son’s lunch. And how he will bring in the most creative Valentine’s Day card for his class. Then, I find recipes for dinners I make every night while my family gathers around the table.

Zuul: Like yesterday when we ordered pizza and sat on the couch, each person on their computer and tablets?

Jason: Porn, jerk off. Sometimes I jerk off first and then watch porn. It depends on the day of the week. Usually on Wednesday’s I jerk off first to celebrate hump day and then watch porn later…then jerk off again.

Question 4: What do you want Aimee’s readers to know about you?

Claire: That we appreciate and love every single person who takes a chance on our books. Knowing that all the hours spent trapped in an office that has been taken over by bunny fur (because of our pet rabbit, Chloe), was worth it. Oh, and that we are always reviewing our grammar errors. Which there usually are a lot off. *points finger at Zuul*

*Zuul flips Claire off*

Mom: I want the readers to know we do what we do because we just want to see them grow up and be happy.

*Zuul rolls eyes*

Jason: That we love to write about guys boning. In a lot of different ways. I guess the romance part too, but mostly the boning.

Zuul: We appreciate the readers. Our sense of humor isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. Just like how we feel hairless cats are the creepiest shits on the entire planet. Want a hairless cat? Shave your Cooch. You’re welcome for your new pet.

There you have it. I sneak peek on what I deal with EVERYDAY! Yes, it’s exhausting, yes, I’ve tried drowning them out with alcohol. And no, there’s not enough Xanax in the world.

xoxo Z.B.

Thank you Z.B. for sharing yourself….I mean selves with us. 

If you haven’t read this book yet – WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR – Be prepared to hold onto your sides and cry with laughter.    

Get educated here- - >  ALL THE BANANAS - SEX ED

Stalking Links:

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/zbheller

Twitter: @zbheller

IG: zbheller

Website: www.zbhellerbooks.com

Reader/fan/everything group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1302750343105099/

***One winner will receive a copy of Sex Ed gifted through Amazon.   Just leave Z.B. a blog comment – say hi – tell her how much you love her face – whatever you want.